Saudade

Half of My Heart came up in my playlist today. "Lonely was the song I sang, till the day you came, showing me another way and all that my love could bring.". John Mayer always pulled me through all the times I was down and lost hope. Teaching me the meaning of love and what it was to experience it, yet never experience it. But now, I'm breathing again. Barely. But breathing. Felicity. The word, closest, to explain my feelings when you came crashing in my life, like the realest thing, with all the things and gifts you could offer, and making me understand all that your love could bring. The gift of breathing a little more, vibing a little more, and loving a little more. I see a little of everyone I loved, or thought I loved, in you. Like you're the good memories of all the ones I've been through with them. You made me fall from my grief, into a pond of hope; with the water splashing, like a tsunami of euphoria. You helped me through the journey of walking ...

  As I flipped the last remaining pages of this agonizing yet magnificent novel; the black hue of the entrancingly written text, glimmered in my eyes as I drowned in nostalgia. Then I closed the book and kept it back in the shelf called memories. Where it'll always be sheltered, somewhere between those moments that we shared, tumbling through space and time, lost in each other; and in the library that lost its charisma.  It was difficult. as I came to the last few chapters, the more I wanted to get to the end, the longer it took.

   Remember that first life lesson? That you mistook for true love? Those million butterflies that flew in your heart, only to feed on the wrong flowers? When you spent all your 'I love yous' feeling like screaming underwater, she never heard it but it took everything you have? Well, that is what my "first love" sounds like. She was this weird shade of mystery and cuteness, the one which constituted the rainbow of everything. So shy, and yet, so effulgent. Her smile was something I became addicted to. It had the ability to send me to a whole different realm. The realm that consisted of a love story. A love story brewing between two completely opposite souls. Wearing this smile, she looked like all the constellations in the universe; blazing, hearty and infinitely bright. She passed through me, like a storm, took away my breath and gave me goosebumps. I don't know if she knew that, but it was my entire world fulminating. Everything I had been and everything I w...

  It was in the last year of high school when the painful reality hit me. The reality that I fell for her. That's when it all went to shit. Those inane smiles when I saw a glimpse of her. Those sleepless nights wondering if she was straining herself with all the studies. Your jumped up and excited "Hiiis" which made my heart skip a thousand beats. All the goodnight texts festooned with emoticons and with a slight sorrow of not being able to be right beside her and kiss her goodnight. Those texts might have been insignificant for her, but those were the only hope for me to wake up the next day. But the reason she was scribed in my heart was something more infinite. For the way, she looked at the moon. Like she belonged to it. And gosh, I wish she looked at me the same way. However, what waited for me was an abode of spasm. For all the times I tried to express my love to her, it only lead her away from me. It was a crushing kind of pain, knowing you can choke someone by ...

                       It's funny how we switch from wishing for some free time at school to attending the same lectures as that one person, even if it meant 2 hours of pure torture. From how you just let it be if you missed a day, to spend the rest of the day in regret of how you now have one less wish to get that person. 11:11 was something that gave me hope to wake up the next day, to wish about the only thing which could keep me going. How I wished for her to acknowledge me. To reciprocate what I felt for her. For a little spark which would turn into an untamed wildfire, and for that fire to burn the painful reality to the ground. But I don't think it might be very convincing, for when my wish does come true. For I crave for hardships that test my love all the time because I don't believe I deserve something so beautiful, contemplating on the hearts I broke in a million little ways of the ones who loved me and at th...