It was in the last year of high school when the painful reality hit me. The reality that I fell for her. That's when it all went to shit. Those inane smiles when I saw a glimpse of her. Those sleepless nights wondering if she was straining herself with all the studies. Your jumped up and excited "Hiiis" which made my heart skip a thousand beats. All the goodnight texts festooned with emoticons and with a slight sorrow of not being able to be right beside her and kiss her goodnight. Those texts might have been insignificant for her, but those were the only hope for me to wake up the next day. But the reason she was scribed in my heart was something more infinite. For the way, she looked at the moon. Like she belonged to it. And gosh, I wish she looked at me the same way.
However, what waited for me was an abode of spasm. For all the times I tried to express my love to her, it only lead her away from me. It was a crushing kind of pain, knowing you can choke someone by loving them too much. Want to know the biggest heartbreak any person can experience? Seeing your loved one get uncomfortable by seeing the love for her in your eyes. To see that awkward forced smile if you complimented on that one minor detail which no one would care about. To see that never-ending conversation about the most inarticulate things, being reduced to an awkward "aur batao". The eye-contacts she avoided, which were just a mere embarrassment for her, but a sharing of entire lifetimes for me. Listening to her going on and on about the love of her life, and with each and every word getting snapped back to the reality that it was never me. This grief was as deep and crippling as the love it replaced.
But I couldn't help but cleave to the feelings I had. For my love was paradoxical; so easy, yet so rare. She was the tune of an unknown song I'd heard just once. The one I had been meaning to find ever since. In all honesty, I attached her name to the word patience for over a year and a half, even though I did not have any. But now, I don't have it in me. To fortify the love I have in me. I was doomed. For being a spark, hoping to be the fucking sun. Maybe this thing that happened between us was a wondrous story. Then again, maybe it was just that there were no more beats left in my mangled heart.
However, what waited for me was an abode of spasm. For all the times I tried to express my love to her, it only lead her away from me. It was a crushing kind of pain, knowing you can choke someone by loving them too much. Want to know the biggest heartbreak any person can experience? Seeing your loved one get uncomfortable by seeing the love for her in your eyes. To see that awkward forced smile if you complimented on that one minor detail which no one would care about. To see that never-ending conversation about the most inarticulate things, being reduced to an awkward "aur batao". The eye-contacts she avoided, which were just a mere embarrassment for her, but a sharing of entire lifetimes for me. Listening to her going on and on about the love of her life, and with each and every word getting snapped back to the reality that it was never me. This grief was as deep and crippling as the love it replaced.
But I couldn't help but cleave to the feelings I had. For my love was paradoxical; so easy, yet so rare. She was the tune of an unknown song I'd heard just once. The one I had been meaning to find ever since. In all honesty, I attached her name to the word patience for over a year and a half, even though I did not have any. But now, I don't have it in me. To fortify the love I have in me. I was doomed. For being a spark, hoping to be the fucking sun. Maybe this thing that happened between us was a wondrous story. Then again, maybe it was just that there were no more beats left in my mangled heart.
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